Bill's Musings

I’m always looking for ways to improve myself. It is a never-ending quest. New types off toothpaste. Better deodorant. New ways of thinking. Eating Fiber-One. Remembering to thank people for helping me out. Excercising. Well, maybe not that extreme, but thinking about exercising.

That said, although I consider myself up on things, I was shocked to discover not long ago that people were wearing these things called ‘Spanx’. If you don’t know what these are, Spanx are body-shaping underwear that help the wearer attain the shape they want without all that messy exercise. That’s not to say that you don’t need to shape up, but Spanx just help out the process, and cuts down on the time required.

Well. This was exciting. I just had to try these Spanx. I wanted the shape that Mother Nature had thus far denied me. Spanx, I felt, could get me there. Forget all my fiber rationing, eating right, pretending to work out, or even walking the dog. I wasn’t going to get fit…. I was going to get ‘fitted’!

My first problem, of course, was where could I buy these things? More importantly, how could I purchase some without people knowing that I was buying them? Frankly, buying these is as embarrassing as buying condoms or laxatives. Thankfully, there was a great solution to this: on-line shopping and Purolator!! I ordered 5 pairs, in a variety of colours and sizes, and then waited. It took four days. The following is a journal of my Spanx experience:

Monday, 10:15 a.m.: Purolator has finally showed with my ‘special delivery’….ooooh, this is so exciting. I made up an excuse to my secretary Josée that I needed to go home because I wasn’t feeling too good. I’m pretty sure she fell for it. Now off to try my Spanx!!

10:30 am: man the traffic on john Street was bad! But, I finally have made it. Let’s open this box and check things out. Okay, let’s try them out by size. Let’s start with the small. I think I can squeeze into these!

10:45 am: Well, that didn’t go over so well. I got them half on, then they popped like a balloon pops when you stick a pin in it! In fact, they popped so bad I can’t find them! Wait….oh, there they are, stuck on the ceiling fan. So, small is out…next, let’s try the medium….

10:58 am: I just woke up from passing out. I feel a little bit light headed. I got them on, but then blacked out from lack of oxygen and blood flow. Thankfully, I could just barely reach the scissors I used to open the box, and cut myself out of these ones. Good thing I didn’t like the colour of these ones anyway. The last thing I remember before blanking out is seeing myself in the mirror, in fluorescent green, looking like 20 pounds of mashed potatoes stuffed into a 5 pound bag. Not a pretty sight! Well, let’s try the next size…

11:08 am: This is more like it!! I look good!! My only problem is that they are still quite snug around the ‘boys’. In fact, I tried to answer the phone, but sounded like Donald Duck on helium. That won’t do!! Oh well. I’ll try to remove these, and try on the next size.

11:49 am: still trying to take ‘em off. There must be instructions on the internet for this. I really have to go the bathroom!! My butt is asleep, my legs look like sausages, and I’m pretty sure I’m going to be singing Falsetto for awhile! I feel a bit like Houdini trying to get out of one of those straight-jackets. This better work, or else it’s 9-1-1!!

12:12 pm: Well, I guess I wasn’t lying to Josée. I really don’t feel too good. I finally got them off, but now my entire lower-body looks like a sad Hushpuppy that’s beyond its prime. The Spanx now have stretch-marks, and have now been rendered pretty much useless (unless I want to store potatoes or something in them). I think I’ll pass on the other two pairs for today. And forget going to work….my skin won’t fold back into my pants.

After all this, I just noticed that they have Spanx for men.