Adventures In Babysitting

Posted: September 28, 2013 in Family, Humour
Tags: , , , , , , ,

 

babysit

You know, when you’re a young man, as I was not so long ago (uh), you need cash to make things happen. Unfortunately, money can be hard to come by unless you either have rich parents, or a job. My parents were not rich. So, a job was the only way to get some dough (I’m hopeful you’ve ignored the whole ‘not so long ago’ portion of the first sentence.)

So, there I was. Grade nine. We lived in Belleville my parents and I, as my father was in college. Money was very tight. So I was lucky enough to get a part-time job at the convenience store next to our building. But, being under-aged, it wasn’t a high-paying job. Naturally I wanted more. So I went and did what kids have done for years to supplement their income…I babysat.

Now, I love kids. I have two boys, and love them like crazy. I have truly enjoyed every stage and age of their lives. I have loved my nieces and nephews, even babysat a few of them. But as a young man of 15, babysitting really wasn’t my thing. I got through it mind you, but one night of babysitting in particular ruined it for me.

We lived in a large building, and as my father also was handy at almost anything, the landlord used to give him some extra work to help pay the bills. This landlord also had twin boys, aged 7, both with red hair. And he had difficulty getting someone to babysit his two ‘angels’. This is where I come in. In life, I have been both lucky and unlucky with redheads. This would be a case of the latter.

So he managed to book me for a night right before Christmas, as they would be going to a company party. And since his two boys were angels, how could I refuse? I showed up promptly on Friday at 6 pm, and the boys were already eating supper, having ordered a pizza. Great! I was already off to a good start. I didn’t have to feed them. Also in my favour was that the apartment had ‘cable’, which in those days meant not having to watch Tommy Hunter and ‘The Pig and Whistle’. We could watch a movie, and since their bed-time was 8:30, I would have a relatively easy night.

Yea right.

Fortunately I kept a journal in those days. The following excerpts I offer to you as evidence of this night from Hell.

6:30 pm: The boys and I are getting to know each other. It seems that they liked they’re pizza. They appear a bit excited, perhaps because I am here! Wow, twin red-headed boys. They must be fun to be around all the time. Maybe I’ll become their ‘big brother’, and go to the movies with them and stuff. Man, I’m lucky!

7:00 pm: Well, they’re still excited. It must be the pizza that wound them up. But they’re just boys!! Boys will be boys! I’m not sure that they’re the kind of kids I want to be a ‘big brother’ to, as I don’t imagine we have that much in common. Oh, well, I’ll keep looking. This is fun!

7:20 pm: Little Timmy (or was it Tommy? I can’t tell these rascals apart!) just came up to me and kicked me in the shins! Just out of the blue! Well, Timmy (or Tommy), I’ve got news for you. You are messing with the wrong dude! I’m tough as nails, and twice as ugly! On the couch for a time out for you!

7:35 pm: Timmy or Tommy just set fire to the cat, and Tommy or Timmy threw a cheesecake at me. I think these kids may be possessed, or have dug into their parents’ prescription medication. I want to call my parents for advice, but I think the phone got flushed down the toilet. That also takes 9-1-1 out of play. I wonder if there’s any rope in this place?

9:02 pm: Yep, there was rope. Unfortunately, after I woke up from an apparent attack with a frying pan, I found myself tied to the chair, the boys dancing naked in front of me, and the poor cat is now shaved bald. I’m guessing I’m lucky it never occurred to the boys to shave me while I was out. Oops. Upon further review, as I feel itchy ‘down there’, maybe they did. Damned kids! Now I’m mad!!

10:00 pm: I’m hiding in the closet. The furniture is all over the place, and I’m pretty sure the kids have killed the neighbour. Where in Heaven’s name are the parents? Where are my pants? Was that a chainsaw?

10:30 pm: All has been quiet for 10 minutes. I want to take the barricade down, but is it safe? I’m going to take a chance!!

Hey…the kids are in bed and asleep. I think. They might be faking, but I’m not going to push my luck. I better clean up before the landlord gets back, or I’m dead meat. Now, where to put the body……

The parents didn’t get back before 3 am, which gave me just enough time to paint the walls and remove the tire marks from the ceiling.  I thought I’d experienced the worst, but when the landlord paid me with 8 crisp $1 bills, I snapped. If it wasn’t for the fact that I was so tired, there would have been another couple of bodies to bury.

Note to public: do not ask me to babysit,,,unless you really want me to sit on your baby, to which I may consider it if the price is right.

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