Bill's Musings

I know this may come as a shock to many of you out there, but guys don’t follow instructions well. I know….gasp. Being a guy myself, I know, or at least I think I know, how to do stuff by instinct… I don’t need any high-falootin’ instruction manual to tell me how to put something together. As long as there’s a picture of the thing I can pretty much figure it out. And if not my manager Josée will do it for me.
After having been told about 1000 times in my life to ‘read the instructions carefully first!’, I am finally starting to do so. In fact, I have been observing this last little while how others assemble things, especially men, and most especially groups of men, and it’s pretty much universal; we men just don’t like instruction manuals. It’s like we have this little internal mechanism that makes us black out as soon as we open the book.
I was watching four guys trying to put together a kid’s playhouse thingy, and not really getting anywhere, all while the instructions sat there, all pretty, like it was waiting on a date. It was kind of sad. There was the ‘tool’ guy, the ‘picture pointer’ guy, the ‘beer opener’ guy, and finally, there was the ‘scratching his head, which is a nice way of saying he was scratching another part of the male anatomy’ guy. All the while I’m asking myself, ‘Is that how I look?’ Sadly, the answer to this is probably ‘yes’.
Well, no more! I have turned over a new leaf. Goodbye to the sad-sack assembler of stuff who has to re-do a few missed steps, and hello Mr. Read-it-first! It’s a new day! It’s a new way! It’s unconventional, immoral, unnatural, and just plain icky! But I’m sticking to my guns.
And so, armed with my new-found ability to ‘read first, try later’, I find myself with a full-on plugged sinus situation. I mean plugged more than usual. Normally, my sinuses are plugged somewhat, and I am woefully aware that this is oversharing, but I’m trying to make a point. After going to the drug store, and buying all kinds of stuff like a Neti pot (a thoroughly disgusting yet oddly enjoyable device), sinus medicine, and this HydroSense misting device, which was bought on the advice of Anne.
So, my first attempt at following instructions didn’t go so well. She said get the ‘misting device’. I, being a man, decided to get the ‘nasal clearing device’, which is really just a fancy way of saying ‘nose shotgun’. This baby packs a punch. But, it was also the wrong item.
Strike 1.
Okay. I open the HydroSense box, and wouldn’t you know it, there is a set of instructions!! Woohoo! It says to follow them carefully. And I intend to do so. Essentially, it says to insert the applicator into the device bend over the sink at just the right angle, insert the applicator into the left nostril, and press the button. First shot, I totally missed my nose, and sprayed salt water all over the kitchen window.
Strike 2.
Time to regroup. I reread the instructions carefully. I bend over, a little more carefully insert the applicator, and press the button. And, as promised, my sinuses are flooded with this high-pressure salt solution. And boy, did it work. All too well. I’ve got more phlegm coming out than a Kindergarten class. I’m blowing snot bubbles out my nose. Again, oversharing. Sorry, just trying to make a point.
Had the instructions been more accurate, it would have told me to ‘perform this act naked in the shower to avoid a huge mess’, certainly not in our new kitchen wearing my favourite (not anymore) sweater. About the only good thing was that I was alone, although I think my dogs got a chuckle or two.
Strike 3.
No more instructions for me!