Bill's Musings

There are times in life when we do something so stupid, we don’t ever forget about it. I happen to be one of those people with a plethora of these kinds of memories, and as you know, I do like to share them with you. My son Mackie loves them. One of his favourite stories is one I call ‘The Ruler’. It has, I’m sure, helped him along in his still-young life. And so, I will share it with you to serve as a lesson for all.

It was Grade four. More precisely, it was the last day of grade four. Those were the most fantastic days of school, those last days. The summer stretched out endlessly in front of us, an adventure in time, really. And that last day was one filled with both excitement and melancholy. Of course, the excitement was obvious, as you could hang up the books for another year, and enjoy summer as it truly was meant to be enjoyed by children, then and now. The melancholic feeling I had were for the friends I would miss for two months, for the routine of being together. But, admittedly, the excitement outweighed the melancholy.

True to form, this same last day was also the day which I was most devilish. I loved to play pranks on my classmates, and sometimes I went a wee bit overboard. This was one of those times. I stuck a tack on Cheryl Beaudette’s chair. And she sat on this tack. Hard. VERY hard. Enough so that I knew without a doubt I was in a heap of trouble. There was no going back on this one, no bribery available that would smooth out the situation. I was doing some serious time for this one. Mrs Page sent me to the office for the first time in my life!

The office. Well. In my days, when one went to the office, one was in trouble. Not only at the office, but also at home. In many ways, the ‘office’ trouble was but a sneak-peek at the ‘home’ trouble. Yep, I was going down for this one.

Head down, feet dragging, I forlornly made my way to the dreaded office. Never in my life had I felt so ashamed AND scared at the same time. I had heard rumours about the office. Kids went missing. Heads and other limbs were lost. Even worse unimaginable things happened at the office. And I was imagining all of them!

By now, you’re thinking that the stupid thing I did was to stick the thumbtack on Cheryl’s seat. No, that was pretty dumb, I’ll admit, but it was NOTHING compared to what happened at….the office. Gasp! Eat your popcorn, people, it get better!

Upon entering the dreaded torture chamber, I was confronted by one of the two sweetest people I knew. Sister Euphrasia was our principal. I say one of the two sweetest, because she had a twin sister who was also a nun, and whom also worked at our school. They were small, frail, and old (to me). And, she was to be my executioner. What luck, I thought!

She scolded me, then told me to hold out my hand so that she could dispense with the punishment. I was getting ‘the ruler’!! And I was getting it from a lady who I thought had a hard time farting, let alone smacking my hand with a ruler. And thus, here we are people; we have arrived at the stupid thing. Sister Euphrasia, mustering all of her strength, hit my hand with the ruler with but a wisp of a tap. Then another. It was over! ‘That’s it, that’s all you’ve got?’ I said to myself.

Apparently, I hadn’t said it to myself. Nope. Said it out loud, I did. And old Sister Euphrasia, being much smarter than me, summoned up her dignity, made me sit down to wait a bit, and promptly called upon the grade 8 teacher to please come to the office and hand out what clearly was deserved to this impish devil-child And dole out, he did. With the yard stick, to boot. My hand, needless to say, was sore. For days. As was my butt, which was taken care of at home.

So, when I see people laugh when they get off lightly for something, I often think of that day. And I always hope their grade 8 teacher will step in to teach them the proper lesson.