Bill's Musings

It occured to me that a thriving business today is in the giving of advice. Dr. Phil is doing it. Ann Landers did it for years. Lucy was getting paid 5 cents a shot to tell Charlie Brown what to do. I figured that if these ‘hacks’ can do it, then why couldn’t I? I’m as smart as the next guy. I could have my own advice column….’ Bill’s Thoughts About Your Problems’, or maybe ’Mr. Know-It-All’….wait, maybe not that one. How about ‘Willy Cares!’. That sounds nice.

With today’s internet capabilities, it would be easy to get your troubles to me. A little e-mail, an instant message, a private ‘inbox’ on Facebook….then let the doctor do his duty! Of course, conventional mail is also acceptable, but it’s so slow, your problem will likely be rectified by the time I get to it. So let’s do this electronically. It really is for the best.

My wife had three former students visit the other night, and already I had advice for them. And they didn’t even ask for it!! One was soaked because she left her windows open on her car. I told her she shouldn’t have done that. It’s hard to say if she looked grateful or not, what with her looking like a wet girl-person. This was so easy!!

Of course, the most common problem today is affairs of the heart. We’ve all been there. Your amour doesn’t respect your ‘peeps’. Your better half doesn’t like your ‘gaseous moments’ like she/he used to. Your chick doesn’t agree with you having your mother come with you on all your dates. Your boyfriend doesn’t like how you have other boyfriends. It’s all good. I have the answers to all these and more!

One person writes, ‘Dear Willy. My girlfriend has really stinky feet, but I don’t know how to tell her. When she comes over and takes off her shoes, my cat coughs up a fur ball, and my potted plants die. What should I do? Signed ‘Smelly in Sturgeon’. That’s easy. Offer her a foot massage. Then, use Dr Scholl’s Foot Powder on her feet. Just make sure you use gloves the first couple of times in case she has a deadly fungus or something. Also, burn her shoes ‘by mistake’, and offer to buy her some open toed ones. Problem solved.

Another sends in ‘Dear Willy. How do I get my husband to understand me? He just doesn’t seem to understand my moods, and tunes out when I tell him about my feelings. Signed ‘Crushed in Cache Bay’. Well. First we need to address this ‘need for understanding’ you seem to have. Get rid of it. It’ll do you no good, because he’s just not going to feel it. You’d have better luck getting him to understand Quantum Physics. Instead, offer to make him a nice supper, or fluff his pillows. Perhaps read him a story.  I know this works for me when Anne is in one of those kinds of mood-thingies.

Another writes, ‘Dear Mr. Willy. My mom and dad were talking in the kitchen the other night and said that they wished the stork had kept on flying by. What does that mean? Signed ‘Mixed-up in Monetville’. Well, Mixed-Up, this means you should stop listening in on other people’s conversations and start getting your homework done on time. It looks like an education is your best bet, because when you turn 18, you likely will be moving on down the road.

There is literally advice for everything. Got bad breath? Use Scope. Getting eye-aches when you drink coffee? Take the damned spoon out of the cup before you drink! Letting some pee pass the ‘goalie’ when you sneeze? Avoid pepper and dust as much as possible. See? It’s all good.

With a little bit of effort, we can all become know-it-all’s, and offer solicited and un-solicited advice to everybody. It makes your own problems appear small. I do, however, recommend learning hand-to-hand combat first, and perhaps consider moving to an undisclosed location for a while.

Until next week, my advice to you is keep reading, and possibly consider sending me some money or food. I really like sucre-a-la-creme!! 😉