Put a ring on it!

Posted: May 13, 2013 in Humour
Tags: , , , , , , ,


A couple of years ago, Anne and I were watching a Canadian news program, and out came a subject I had never heard about, and am to this day still shocked by its very concept. It was about a business that developed a technique to take the ashes of someone’s remains, and through a machine that compresses them much like the ground does to coal, it converts the ashes into a diamond.

I’m not kidding.

This company was making it their business to make a diamond memento of your loved one. I can’t remember how they came upon this process, but it was going gangbusters by the time it went to air. We sat there, astounded that this was taking place, although the concept had a type of elegance to it. I must admit I was intrigued by this.

Of course, I went on to completely forget about all this. Oh, from time to time, it would pop up in my head as I would be thinking of things to write about in the paper, but would usually disappear when another topic would take its place. I would promise myself that I would write about it next time, then I’d remember another story about my velour pants, and the diamond subject would again fade away.

Well, this is it. I’ve finally remembered to not forget. As I was saying, you can bring the ashes of your loved one to these people and have them squashed into something a little lighter, a little brighter. As I had been watching this show, I even thought up a good song that would make a great advertising jingle for them; Jann Arden’s hit ‘Good Mother’, which starts ‘I’ve got money in my pocket, I like the colour of my hair…’. I rewrote it as ‘I’ve got Mommy in my pocket. I’ve got my daddy on a chain…’

I just know some of you are going to sing this to yourselves.

I’m really not trying to make fun of people who have this done. I know this is a sad time for them, and for some, it just makes sense to commemorate their loved ones by making them into jewellery. As more people do this, the cost will probably go down, making it more affordable for the common person. At the moment, it runs anywhere between $3500.00 to $18,000.00 to have this done (more if you want something truly spectacular made) so for now it is unaffordable for most.

Could you imagine the Family Ring you could have made!?! Here is a conversation you could have with your wife…. ‘Here’s Uncle Henry, Aunt Rose, my sister Fanny, and even my dog, Leo. There are 6 spots left, dear. Your parents, my parents, and then there’s both our spots!’ Of course, you have to die first before you complete the ring, but that’s just details.

I’ve been bugging Anne about this. I told her that if she goes first, I would have an ‘Anneulet’instead of an amulet made from her. I could have it made in Garnet-style, Garnet being my birthstone, which, conveniently, is red, much like Anne’s hair. Kind of ironic, now that I think of it. Not to be outdone, Anne assured me that, should I go first, she would just flush my ashes down the toilet.

I’m thinking I had better make my own arrangements.

The singer ‘Jewel’ could become a spectacular one herself. Beyoncé really could ‘put a ring on it’ like the song, and some rappers could really put the ‘BLING’ in bling. We could locate the remains of Cleopatra and make our own ‘Jewel of the Nile’. The Queen could be made into a real ‘Diamond Jubilee’. And wouldn’t royal crowns take on a whole new significance with this process? ‘And here we have the Queen of Sweden, looking regal, wearing no less than 15 of her relatives!’

Okay, so there’s room for some humour here. Still and all, I have to think that it’s still a pretty classy way for your life to be commemorated. And so that we have it on public record, I DO NOT want to be flushed, but rather be made into something cool, like a pendulum, or perhaps a cutting tool. That would be sharp!

  1. I suspect that you have given this thought much, way too much time. I did laugh when you stated that some will be singing it. That’s me!. Your jokes were cute too. As for what Anne will choose to do with your ashes…Maybe a Bilfold to contain her Billofrights. Just sayin’…I saw one mention of the diamonds on the Dragon’s Den a few season’s back. If you had much hair, I would have suggested a brooch or necklace…like the Victorians….

  2. daisies4gail says:

    Bill, I was intending on leaving you a message…and ironically, i was about to say…exactly the same thing as I did a year and a half ago. Now my friend…that’s scary. Obviously, I need to get out more. Still think it is a great story.

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