The Cover Cough

Posted: January 5, 2017 in Humour
Tags: , , , ,

cover

There are all kinds of things in life that we do to attempt to avoid embarrassment. It’s human nature. We want people to think the very best of us. It’s important to most of us that we put our best foot forward, that we maintain the illusions of ourselves in our minds and leave a good scent behind us.

Unfortunately, this does not always happen.

Personally, several chapters in my own life story would  qualify as embarrassing. Some extrreme. Some not so bad but still funny. And occasionally when I lay back at night I reminisce about those times when I was left red-faced and thus laughing at myself for being such a doofus. And if I am lucky a memory comes up that I may have forgotten which leads to a thread of memories that are oble ten dear to me.

One of these popped up the other night while I lay awake, unable to sleep for a variety of reasons. It came to me amidst the songs plaring in my mind, between ‘Every Which Way But Loose’ and ‘Indagadadavida’. This memory emerged from my warped and twisted subconscious, curdled and boiled and pushed it;s way through the music, amd I will admit, made me laugh.

I am self-employed. And as one who goes into other people’s homes and businesses and try not to leave a path behind me. It;s important to me that my clients want to call me back. It is not only because it’s what pays the bills, but I like people in general, and I like to be liked. So I try not to offend, try to be funny, make a good impression. But if you know me, I am a bit of a klutz. Things just happen. Most times it’s just little things, but there are occasional doozies.

I became familiar with the term ‘cover cough’ early in my relationship with my wife Anne. It became something I did to be chivalrous. A ‘cover cough’ is something you do to cover up a sound you or someone else makes when passing gas. I don;t mean to make it sound that this is something Anne regularly does, but this service is something one provides for the one they love.

Unfortunately there are times you need to provide your own cover cough. And on this occasion, I had been primed with beans. Homemade beans. Mom;s homemade beans. These beans are considered by many to be almost of a mythical level of beanhood. Many a person have had to spend the evening on the couch because of them. Arguments have ensued due to their consumption. Marriages have been tested. Febreeze was invented specifically for them.

So, primed with said beans, and having lost much sleep because of their consumption, I walked into a client;s business festooned with tools and trying to make the best of things. And before long the need for a cover cough arose. All this pent up energy that I had been denying release was insisting on presenting itself. I had been doing my best not to, but being on one knee at the moment, there was no way I was going to make it to my feet and out of the congested room in time. It was time for the cover cough. I coughed a few times but couldn;t time it right. So I hyperventilated and began to yawn. And tht;s when I farted.

Let me tell you…. a cover yawn is nowhere near as effective as a cover cough. Like a deer caught in the headlights, on bended knee , tools strewn hither and yon, everyone in the room looking at me, my cover yawn filed to make even a little bit of a difference. I had no other recourse but to continue on with the repair. I would like to tell you that those who bore witness to this event looked at me with renewed respect at my perseverance and tenacity, that I was proud with my chin up. But it had been a rather loud fart, and judging by the watering eyes of those closest to me, a bit pungent.

Well. So much for discretion.

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