Winter….or as we call it, ‘%^$*^!!”

Posted: March 1, 2014 in Community, Family, Humour


A little over three months ago, people were excited. They looked outside their windows and witnessed what is still considered a miracle: the first snow of winter. Oh, how joyous we were! A beautiful white fluffy blanket of snow, slowly descending onto our bleak and barren landscape, Softly enveloping our world in a white cocoon, embracing us once more as it does every year.

It was a grand event, as I recall. A little earlier than usual mind you, but that was okay. It’ll just speed things along, I thought. Usually the first snowfall melts away, and so we’d get to experience this a few more times before winter stayed on a more permanent basis. So nothing to concern ourselves about.

It’s incredible how naïve we can be. None of us saw it coming. It’s like we’re one of those oblivious victims in a mad-slasher movie, the one going into the dark room where the light mysteriously don’t work, and despite the audience screaming ‘don’t go in!’.

Well, we went in.

Winter, or as we have come to know it. ‘FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK!’, has been especially naughty this year. 120 out of 100 people surveyed have stated that given the chance, they’d kick Old Man Winter in the nuts and not bat an eyelash. That’s a significant portion of the population. Even newborns are pissed off. That’s serious business right there.

Relentlessly winter has been shitting hither and yon upon us, throwing in numbing cold just for giggles. Our neighbours to the south have been experiencing what appears to be a much more robust version of what we are getting here, which I find ironic. This ‘Polar Vortex’ that keeps being bandied about is in reality just a polite way for the newsies to say ‘Hey! It’s damned cold outside! Wear some extra layers, you dumbass!’

In the last three months, I’ve heard many different comments about our winter, and put in sequential order, this is what they sound like: ‘Oooh, lovely!’, ‘Wow, That’s early’, ‘Holy crap’, that’s pretty cold!’, ‘What….more snow!’, ‘We’re just experiencing the winters of our youth’, ‘FUCK! It’s snowing AND it’s cold?’, ‘ANOTHER snow day?’, ‘Kill that damned Groundhog!’, and in droves ‘Book our trip south….bookitbookitbookit!’. Unfortunately, according to Environment Canada, there are many more entries to be made before spring arrives.

I know we’ve become complacent about this season in the last 20 years or so, also spoiled. And this winter is truly one for the books. Some people told me they were on Lake Nipissing with their trucks in the middle of December (I’m not sure if that’s true, but it sounds true). I think it’s all the Global Warming discussions we’ve had, and our perceptions of what that would mean. It’s obvious that despite what we are doing to the Earth, she can take good care of herself, thank you very much. Which really scares me because we have not been kind to her.

Let’s hope that this winter is more of an anomaly than a vision of things to come. And this summer, if and when it arrives, let’s try to be kind to the jerk who first says ‘I hate it when it’s hot!’ Buy him and/or her a drink and show him and/or her some pictures of this winter on your phone. That’ll shut him and/or her up!

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