Bill's Musings

It’s my body, therefore my rules. It’s that simple, right? Apparently, some people missed that meeting, because this simple, yet all-important rule is being broken practically on a weekly basis. And I am, quite frankly, upset.

How so, you ask? Well, you are reading this, so you have the right to know. Many of you have actually aided in this abuse, and you don’t even know it. I was content just letting it go for awhile, but since it is being perpetrated so often, and I am not being properly compensated for it, I just want it to stop. Just how much can a man like me take? I have to say ‘Whoa….whoa!’

It’s like this: you know all those magazines at the checkout counter of your local grocery stores? The ones like ‘Men’s Health’, ‘GQ’, and more recently, ‘Playgirl’? The ones that show these buff, fantastically in-shape guys with 6-pack bodies and perfectly sculpted abs? Well, it turns out, someone has been photo-shopping some pretty-boy faces onto my body…. and it has got to stop!!

Our friend Jen at the pharmacy was the first to point it out to me. As aforementioned, I have a tough time looking at pictures like this because I don’t like looking at almost-naked dudes. But I think someone hacked my Facebook account and stole my pictures, using them willy-nilly in order to jack up their magazine sales.

How rude. They’re really ‘harshing my mellow’.

For years now, I have been working hard to get my physique to this point. I did it for me. Well, for Anne, too. She likes to see this beefcake as much as the next chick, so I indulge her from time to time. But all this sacrifice and determination, and some people make a mockery of this by stealing my body for their ill-gotten needs (not to mention for the mere pleasure of scoping out my ‘guns’).

If a lawyer wasn’t so expensive, I’d hire one to deal with these people. But, alas, such is not the case. I am going to have to, unfortunately, bear the burden of seeing my half-naked torso exploited time and time again. I wonder if there is counselling available for this? Surely I am not the only one ‘suffering in silence’. I feel so used.

Perhaps with plastic surgery, my face would become acceptable to use as well. Just minor surgery, mind you. A little snip here, a little nip there, some sculpting. Maybe a hair transplant or two. I could do a spread in any magazine. Even a ‘scratch-and’sniff’ to advertise Old Spice. It’s all possible.

It’s looking more and more unlikely, however, in this ‘age-biased’ society, that this is going to happen. And so, I guess I will have to keep my chin up, my shirt on, and only let Anne use my abs as a washboard for our laundry. Please don’t pity me. Money will do.