Beans, beans, the magical fruit….

Posted: October 12, 2013 in Humour
Tags: , , , , , , ,

gas mask

It is said that Helen of Troy had the ‘face that launched a thousand ships’. She was said to be so beautiful that, when she was abducted by Paris, a thousand ships were launched to free her, thus starting the Trojan War. Imagine being so stunning that so many would go through such lengths to bring you back.

One face, one thousand ships. It’s mind boggling, really. And so, in honour of such an event, today I give you, instead of one face (I’m really not THAT stunning), I give you ‘one word’ that will launch a thousand stories.

Beans.

Let’s face it. Let’s be truthful. We’re all friends here. I say ‘beans’, and immediately, you all have a story to tell. Beans are in everybody’s vocabulary. We’ve all been affected by beans. Sometimes in a good way. Most often, not so good. It’s a food that can lead to fights, laughter, and much use of Lysol and Febreeze. Hunting Camps have suffered the most, probably. Wagon trains of settlers to the Old West made them by the ton, and thus kept the critters away by gassing things up.

I went the other day to shop for a new lawn mower. I still wasn’t sure that I wanted a new lawn mower, but I had a few minutes to spare before a service call, and it seemed like the thing to do at the time. ‘What does this have to do with beans?’ I hear you asking yourselves. Let me explain.

Since Anne has become gluten-free, we’ve had to change our diet somewhat. There are so many different things she cannot eat. Especially the things she used to love. So, meals have become sometimes difficult to manage so that she doesn’t get sick. Of course, this means that, although my boys and I can eat almost anything, we try not to eat too many things that will make Anne feel bad because she can’t have them.

That said I get the occasional cravings.  And the other day I found something that I hadn’t had in a long time: a can of beans. I love beans. They’re flavourful, filling, and go with just about anything. And so, just this once, I thought ‘I’m going to have these beans’. What could it hurt? Anne wasn’t around. I could whip these suckers up in no time, and get rid of the evidence before anyone is the wiser.

Now, we all know what happens when we eat beans. But do you know what happens when you consume an entire can of them, and haven’t done so in quite a while? IT IS EPIC! My stomach was roiling before I even left the house. While driving to the lawn mower store, I started to bloat. My pants were tighter. My shirt was more snug. The seat belt was becoming uncomfortable. As I arrived at the store, I practically had to roll out of my seat.

Okay. To get TO the lawn mowers, I had to make my way through several departments. I tried to do so without doing anything obvious, but I was leaving a trail, so to speak. Kind of like Hansel and Gretel. An invisible, yet ever more distinctive trail. Yet I felt confident that I would go unnoticed, as the traffic in the store was light. By the time I got to the lawn mowers, the gas was escaping me at an alarming rate. It was obvious at this point I was going to have to leave.

And that’s when the young salesman showed up.

Well. I was there. He was there. His eyes grew big, as it became obvious that he’d walked into a zone of epic foulness. Kind of like when you’re swimming and you hit an unexpected cold pocket. Yet he was being polite. I on the other hand played it cool. We stood like this seemingly for hours, although it was mere seconds. Both of us daring the other to speak first, thus claiming ownership, kind of like a high-stakes game of ‘he who smelt it surely dealt it’. But, let’s face it. I’m a pro, and he was barely 24 years old. He spoke, breaking the deadlock. ‘Can I help you?’ he squeaked.

The spell was broken. We could now do business. This was probably the quickest sale he made that day. He led me away from the area we were standing in, and rung up the sale. I noticed a couple of workers show up with orange pile on cones, blocking off the zone. That wasn’t bad. I was a bit hurt when they put up a clear curtain with ‘Fumigation In Progress’ written on it. I was downright insulted when the man showed up in the Hazardous Material suit.

I got home with a lawn mower and a story to tell. He got home, probably showered, and definitely had a story to tell. And it’s all good. No more beans….until next time!

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Comments
  1. s boudreau says:

    omg, im crying im laughing so hard LOL

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