Posted: March 11, 2013 in Humour



On a recent trip to Toronto, which saw us attend a conference on Autism, we were fortunate enough to stay three nights at the Royal York. My wife, Alex, and I lived in the lap of luxury for some time, rubbing elbows with Rockefellers and the Vanderbilt’s (who ran the concession stands in the lobby), and had crème brulé with all the hoity-toity people.

We are a family who have traveled extensively, and in doing so, have learned to adapt quite well to our situations. My wife has a gluten-intolerance, which can make dining a risky proposition, but luckily, we were in a place that was fully aware of this, and catered to her dietary needs. Whatever you didn’t have, they had it, or could get it.

There is something, however, which crops up each time we go out of town. You see, my wife, being a woman, shops ‘lady style’, while I, being a man, process things ‘guy style’. We take care of our own clothing needs, so it’s not like I got there and discovered I only had frilly panties to wear. What I mean is that, since Anne takes it upon herself to take care of the toiletries, I tend to get the short end of the stick.

As usual, let me provide you with an example. If I had paid attention to this end of the packing, a bottle of Head-and-Shoulders all-in-one shampoo would have made it into the bag. It makes sense. One bottle….all your needs. If you want to get fancy, throw in an Old Spice all-in-one bottle, and you’ve got shampoo, conditioner, and body wash. For a man, this is total logic. You smell good, and you’ve washed all the essentials, all with but one bottle.


Anne, being of the female persuasion, thinks that matching shampoo and conditioner bottles is the way to go. They look so good together! Okay, granted she has nice hair, so a good combo pack is at times a good idea. But allow me to elucidate on our conundrum here with a log of my shower activities: Get in shower. Turn on water, get it nice and warm. Search for three minutes for the switch that turns it from ‘bath’ to ‘shower’ as it is an old bathtub. Finally get shower component operating. Adjust shower head from ‘kill’ to ‘stun’, which is where Anne had set it. Wash body with little tiny hotel-provided soap because we forgot our own bar (see above comment about Old Spice….). Lose soap. Discover that the soap never actually hit the bottom of tub. Find soap in unspeakable area. Wet hair. Look at two identical bottles of hair products. Swear.

Before I continue here, allow me to choose this particular moment in the washing process to illustrate my particular problem. First, I don’t wear my glasses in the shower. I have on occasion done so by accident, but I do try not to do this. So…no glasses. I pick up the two identical bottles of hair products, and there is a wonderful description on both labels, describing how these products will not only fulfil your every need, but will also take you away to places you dared not dream of. By the time you’ve finished using these products, they go on to say, you will look and feel like the most loveable, hot, sociably acceptable person society has to offer. All that, then on the very bottom, in small illegible print, is what is actually in the bottle.

Now, for those that know me, it is perhaps abundantly clear that I am not a person who requires much In the way of hair conditioner. Scalp wash, yes, but conditioner….not so much. So, this became more of a game of Russian Roulette. And, as luck would have it, I did end up conditioning my hair. It was 50/50. No lather means no shampoo, I guess. To top things off, I smelt like a coconut. Do I look like I just came out of the Bahamas? No, I most definitely do not! But I sure smelt like I did.

And, being as Anne packed the toiletries, there was also no cologne or after shave. So, as Alex and I, smelling like coconuts, searched the underground mall for an acceptable, not to mention affordable, men’s fragrance, we once again vowed to take care of this component of packing on our next trip. Oh, we’ll bring her some conditioner, but this time it’ll say it in 3-inch letters, in black, on a white bottle.

  1. macintosh98 says:

    I am in the same boat…nice read….

  2. makes me want to go out and buy some more !

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