Since I was a child I had always dreamed of being a dad. My own father inspired me daily, and it became a goal of mine to do the same. There are worse things to aspire to for sure.
And so, luckily, this came to be. We have had the greatest joy to have two sons, equally awesome, equally enigmatic, both polite and forthright and gregarious. My children make me proud each and every day. They are an extension of Anne and I. We are very proud.
These are things many of you feel as well. Parenting is a challenge, always has been. The challenge changes with time, but remains there just the same. There are struggles and triumphs, setbacks and leaps forward. Moods can change like weather, blowing hot and cold, changing the dynamics of your physical and emotional landscape. I wish I could say it gets easier (of course in some ways it does) but for the most part, despite your kids demonstrating time and again their abilities and trustworthiness, I often lay awake wondering if they are okay.
And so, I have been a dad for almost 24 years now. It has been the best years of my life without a doubt. Through thick and thin we have been together as a family, existing with and for each other. Their highs were our highs, their lows also ours. With some luck, some skill, and diligence, we have made it to the point where I find myself now…….our youngest son is moving out, striking out , not far but far enough.
Mackie is a great kid. He has made me proud. He is headstrong and ready. He has a most excellent girlfriend named Elizabeth that he adores and treats well as does she. They complete each other, I could not be happier that Liz and Mackie are together.
Through his childhood to now, we have gone through the stages all parents must with their children; part parent, part friend, part teacher, part partner in crime. We have snuggled, have watched countless movies and programs together. We have sat in my chair together until, because of nature, this was no longer physically possible. We have held hands until that was no longer cool. We have laid together and dreamed of the future. We have discussed what to do when he had a girlfriend, how respect and admiration were first and foremost. We reveled in the excitement of his relationship as he grew into it. His first toys, his first trips, his first heartbreak, his first car. Finishing primary school, high school, and now in University.
Although billions before us have doe it, letting go still isn’t easy. How can one let 19 years of living with a person seemingly change virtually overnight? How can I let go of my baby? As I must, I will do it. But I sure don’t want to.
As I stand in his room, almost empty, the collections, the flotsam and jetsam of items that make up a lifetime of interests, packed with the excitement I also felt when I did the very same thing to my parents, and only now realizing the effect that had on them, there is a hole in my heart the size of Jupiter. For now it seems it cannot be filled. After living so long for him, he is now leaving to live for himself.
It doesn’t matter at this moment that so many have done this already, I want to be selfish. I want my little boy back. My dreamer. My companion. My friend. My innocent boy who will ask me ‘just one more, daddy!’ But of course, this cannot be.
My little boy is no longer little. Although still a dreamer, he is also an adult and a responsible one at that. He has morphed and moved beyond my wishes. He has become the man I had always hoped he would. I couldn’t be more proud. Fly, my little man. Fly and dream and be a great mate and an awesome person like I know you are and always will be. But before you go…..just one more, Mackie. Just one more.
Bill's Musings 