Posts Tagged ‘cramos’


Posted: January 11, 2015 in Humour
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cramps     As I am now in my 50’s, I am finding that certain body functions are not as dependable as they used to be. My eyesight sure isn’t what it used to be. Joints creak and crack unlike before. I haven’t used a hair brush in quite a while (unless you count the times I use it to scratch my head). And for sure, the old digestive system has become more of a hit and miss kind of deal.

For those of you out there who are ‘regular’, I am here to tell you, no….implore you…..not to take that part of your life for granted. It isn’t a right, it’s a privilege.

Back in the day, being regular was just that: regular. You went when you had to, and this usually meant going at the normal times, normal being whatever your body decided was okay. You could depend on it. The mail moved on a schedule, and got delivered on time. Oh, sure, occasionally a package or two got lost or delayed, but eventually things got back to normal. You didn’t have to think about it.

I started to notice a difference in my early forties. There would be days without visiting the ‘post office’… no big deal I thought at the time. I was losing weight, and to me this was just a part of doing business. Yet, as the years slowly went by, this schedule that I had certainly taken for granted started to become more like ‘surprise visits’, and not always welcome ones either. These visits, or ‘events’, would test me.

Which leads me to this year. I have recently encountered a time where the mail was shut down for an extended period, almost like it was on strike, or at the very least working to rule. So I decided to take things into my own hands (so to speak). It was time to try something else than trusting to nature.

In my drawer beside my bed was a pack of little blue pills. No, not the ‘visit the doctor if you are standing at attention for more than four hours’ pills. No, these rhyme with ‘Hex Tax’. It was a Saturday morning. I had time to try these. Why not? So I popped one.

An hour later, still nothing. Evidently I was going to have to augment the dosage. So I popped another one. After an hour, still nothing. By this time it was lunch hour. By this time I had pretty much forgotten about my pill-taking. It was time to eat, and I had kept myself busy all morning. Looking in the pantry, I decided to try some Bush’s Beans. I love beans, and since I was alone, I ate the whole can. The. Whole. Can.

You can see where this is going. While eating up the last of these savory beans, I was reading the box which my pills came in, and noticed two words I had certainly not noticed before….’extra’ and ‘strength’. The package also said to wait a few hours before expecting some results if you have stopped up for a while.


It wasn’t long before the gurgling began. Little gasps of gas began percolating out hither and yon. Anyone following me around would think that we may have had a problem with our septic tank. My wife kept asking if we had ducks running around in the house. I was bloating dangerously. I think that, had someone poked me with the right implement, we may have had a major event.

By the time things were done, my wife and kids were out on a ‘long therapeutic drive’ (their words, not mine), my three dogs were sequestered in a separate room of the house, hunkered down using the ‘stay low to breathe’ technique taught by all fire departments, and our roof was suddenly snow-free. I am expecting a letter from Environment Canada asking me to explain the sudden localized hole in the ozone layer. \and I have once again learned to read the instructions on meds before I try them.

We all know that, as a guy, I will listen to this lesson.