What Part Of ‘No!’ Did You Not Understand?

Posted: June 24, 2016 in Blurbs and Rants, Community, Humour, mad
Tags: , , , ,

NO

Life as we know it has ceased to exist. Well, perhaps that’s a bit over-dramatic. My life as we know it has ceased to exist. That’s more correct. Saying it that was is a more accurate way to articulate how I am feeling right about now.

I am, as some people know, 52 years old. ‘Why is this important?’ you ask yourself while eating your popcorn. Believe me when I say it has a lot of bearing to this whole thing I am about to tell you. I, Bill Gingras, 52 years young, have been victimized by an ageist. That’s right, people. Gather your kin close to you, put another log on the fire (or bag of popcorn in the microwave; your choice). Get all snuggled in and let me regale you with this tale of woe and dismay (from my perspective) of how I was abused.

It all started innocently enough. It is allergy season, and I needed some nasal relief. So I popped in to a major drug-store chain to make a simple purchase of Dristan Nasal Mist. It’s quick. It’s effective. It’s what I go to when I am congested at work and need to have my nose clear. I was out of Dristan. I needed Dristan. So I went for Dristan.

Initially.

When walking in to this particular establishment, one is often accosted by individuals attempting to persuade you to sign up for their Optimum Card. Since I patronize this establishment so infrequently, I had neither the need nor the desire to sign up for one. And this I made abundantly clear to the two ladies in white lab-coats. Very firmly, I told them ‘no, no thanks’. Perhaps I should have left out the ‘thanks’ [art, because like sharks, they smelt blood in the water.

I was brought up to be polite. Well, mostly. And adding ‘thanks’ was more of a reflex, because what I really meant was ‘fuck, no!’, but you can’t very well say that to ladies just doing their job, can you? And so, on a mission, I left them behind to obtain my sinus relief.

Evidently, one of the ladies either did not hear me or was just a little behind her friend’s total of suckers signed up and felt the need to pursue this further with mer. She followed me – closely. I felt like I was walking with a persistent puppy. She asked me ‘Are you sure?’. ‘Quite sure!’ I replied and walked faster. So did she. ‘Sir, are you aware of the benefits of the Optimum Card?’ ‘Yes I am, and no, I do not want one!’ I told her. She took this as me being interested, because she then said ‘It will only take you three to five short minutes to fill this in and then you can start benefitting immediately with your new Optimum Card!’ ‘No. Nope. Not going to do that!’ I blurted then put the gears to full speed and trundled off.

She was quick, though. She may have been an Olympic Speed Walker back in the day. A persistent one. I can imagine her competing, talking to the ones in front of her and attempting to talk them into slowing down so she could win. And damned if she wasn’t keeping up to me, seemingly with no effort. So she then asked ‘Do you have a significant other that may want to use your card instead?’ Essentially, to me that meant ‘sign up for a card, you cheap bastard, and let your wife earn points!’

Now I was getting mad.

So I slowed down and tried to reason with her. I told her ‘Look, lady, I just want some Dristan. I am now beginning to get a headache, and I need to get back to work!’ There. That ought to get her to leave me alone.

Nope.

She then asked me ‘Are you perhaps 55 or older and can benefit from a Senior Discount? The Optimum Card can also help you with that!’

55? Me? Me 55? Are you saying I look 55? All I could think of saying was ‘What fucking part of ‘NO’ do you not fucking understand?’ (Pardon me for the vulgarity but I feel it’s best to impart to you the actual wording of my sentence to understand what happened next: she disappeared momentarily then showed up with a manager.

‘Sir!’ he exclaimed. ‘You cannot swear at one of my employees. We do not welcome customers using that kind of language.’

I am sure that they have looked at the security footage a dozen times since and closed in on my face, because the look I gave him would have wilted flowers. I didn’t trust my mouth much more, but did tell him I had tried to say no but she just wouldn’t listen. Insulted and dejected, I took my Dristan to the cash (along the way some caramels and a pop found their way into my hands I know not how). And as I went to pay, the cashier asked me ‘Do you have an Optimum Card?’

Fuck.

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