I put the ‘we’ in ‘Weiner’!

Posted: February 4, 2015 in Humour
Tags: , , ,

oven   This week, I present you with a two-letter word, one which is used with a fair amount of regularity. It’s a word which, when used, has a meaning which cannot be confused for anything else than what it means. It’s a word that, when employed in a sentence, changes a situation from a singularity to a multiple-meaning, can denote group effort, and can bring people together in camaraderie and friendship.

Now, before I say this now famous word, allow me to give you a little bit of the back story which led to the use of this word, that which got me in trouble. While I was working the other day, Anne decided that she would take on cleaning the oven. It’s actually a double-oven, so twice the fun…right? When we remodelled our kitchen, a double oven became a must, because Anne is gluten-free, and needs to bake several things at once at times. This shortens the waiting time. It does, however, consequently get dirty more often from multiple uses…thus, the need for cleaning.

Anne, working hard, cleaned these ovens to the point that they looked as good as new. I was quite impressed. So impressed, in fact that, being a guy, and excited for my wife that the oven was looking so good, I got a little cavalier with what I was saying. ‘My God!’ I exclaimed. ‘I don’t think we have cleaned an oven this well ever, have we, honey?’ Can you spot the two-lettered word that got me in trouble, people? I used, of course, the word ‘we’.

I remember the moment quite clearly. It was like everything ground to a halt. The temperature dropped about ten degrees in the room, and I remember thinking ‘did the temperature just drop ten degrees in here?’ The hair on my head, such as it is, stood up as if on alert. I distinctly felt lasers drilling into the back of my head, and I also felt like the oxygen had been sucked out of my lungs. As I turned my head, in slow motion no less, I caught the piercing blue eyes of Anne, looking straight at me.

Imagine, if you will, eyes of a shade of blue that is both hot and cold. They are fjord-blue. These blue eyes trapped me from the very first time I saw them (I’m hoping this last sentence will help me). They’re quite striking. Imagine, also, these eyes belonging to a person who is also a mother and a teacher. And a redhead. Eyes that can be deployed seemingly at will and with such power as to wither even the most stoic of individuals.

Well, these were the eyes I happened to be facing. My tongue went numb. My sinuses were suddenly plugged. If I hadn’t already gone to the washroom, well….you know. At times like these, when we as men are faced with seemingly a life-or-death situation, it pays to be able to think fast. Unfortunately, I didn’t. ‘By ‘we’’, I stammered, ‘I of course meant ‘as a family. I certainly didn’t mean ‘we’ as you and I!’

Yea, right.

As far as cleaning an oven goes, I have really only ever made one attempt, which was when I was single and lived in my first house. That night, which I subsequently called ‘the night I nearly died’, or as my neighbours came to call ‘the night Bill nearly burnt down the street’, was not a good experience. In fact, the oven wasn’t much good after that. Only two burners remained intact on the stove top, and the oven itself remained closed with duct-tape until I sold the house and left the stove behind (I threw it in with the deal….wasn’t that nice of me?)

Now where was I? Oh, yes. I had just inexplicably used the word ‘we’, and was caught in the glare of those beautiful blue eyes (I’m still trying). Withering under the stare of seemingly a thousand suns, I did the only thing I could think of….I started crying.

That didn’t work either. So now, it looks like ‘we’ get to clean the oven next time. I better check my insurance.

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