My Chair Christine

Posted: December 30, 2013 in Family, Humour
Tags: , , , , , , ,

christine

I’d like to start today’s topic by asking if any of you out there who remember the book and/or movie ‘Christine’ by Stephen King, which chronicled a story about a 1958 Plymouth Fury that is possessed. It gets that way at the factory by accident, and the rest, as they say, is history.

I read the book long before the movie was released, and to be honest, the book was much better. At least to me it was. It allowed much more latitude imagination-wise. And, I never looked at a Plymouth Fury the same after that.

The relevance this story has with my article today is that, while I do not have a possessed vehicle, I’m starting to think that I have a possessed article of furniture. You can say I’m crazy all you want, but allow me to convince you.

It all started innocently enough. I was at my desk, doing paperwork, and my secretary Josée had left a catalogue out. And as I glanced at the picture on the back of the catalogue, my world stopped. Like a beaming light, the item that was most prominently displayed on the page was a chair. Not just any chair. It was a leather recliner, over-sized, equipped with cup holders, storage drawers, vibrating back and seat, and it was also heated. And it was being offered at 50% off!! Could this be true? Was I being ‘punked’?

Like a fat kid on a Smartie, I called the store immediately. This chair sang out to me. It said ‘come sit on me, squish me, fart on me, I don’t care….I’m made of leather!’ I could literally see myself, crippled in the dead of winter from the cold days working on a roof somewhere, dragging myself into the house, and ensconcing myself on this chair, providing me with warmth and a massage for my weary muscles and joints. Wrapped in my favourite Montreal Canadiens blanket and leather moccasins, I could be waited on by my grateful children, with my faithful dog, Leroy, sitting beside me and occasionally looking at me with love.

As it turns out, I may have been a wee bit naive. Sure, the chair arrived and delivered everything it said in the catalogue description. Well, almost. I think the guy in the picture may have been chosen for his diminutive size, because, while it is a big chair, I certainly filled it more than the male model did. I think he may have been a Hobbit. I can live with that. It is also perhaps noteworthy to mention at this time that this chair was not made or manufactured by local craftsmen. In fact, it was mass produced somewhere far away, and while it appears to be well made, there are some features that are perhaps not up to the standards one comes to expect of fine furniture (if you read between the lives, you’ll know where it was made….I don’t think it was painted with lead paint, however).

Which leads me to the part about how I think this chair is possessed. The chair I used to sit on before this one arrived was one which my dogs enjoyed immensely while I was away during the day. They would sit and sleep on it, together, enjoying each other’s company. So, naturally, this chair should offer the same amenities for them….right? Well….

So there I was, sitting in my new chair, enjoying the feel of the leather, sipping a drink, and our newest dog, Moonie, decided she would like to come up and try it too. She is also our smallest dog. And as she stood up and gave me the paw to make me pick her up, my recliner suddenly ‘reclined’ of its own volition, the foot-rest darted forward….and old Moonie went flying like a football being kicked for a field goal.

We were all shocked into silence. My dog was shaken, and would not come close to the chair for days. In fact, all our dogs are wary of ‘Christine’ now, and give it a wide berth unless I’m on it. And, just when I began to think it may not be possessed, it does something to make me wonder again. Like today, when my wife and I were disagreeing about our departure time for groceries, it flew open and kicked her in the shins. She has the bruise to prove it.

Come to think of it, the only one Christine hasn’t lashed out at is me. In a way, it’s kind of like having my own bodyguard. I think I’ll keep her. And be forewarned….if you come over to see me, be nice, or you may have sore legs!!

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