Seasonal Backfire

Posted: November 3, 2013 in Community, Family, Humour
Tags: , , , , , , ,


You’re in line at the bank or grocery store. All is mostly quiet. People are keeping to themselves. All of a sudden, you detect something, a certain invisible something that at first hits your olfactory senses, then making our eyes water slightly. Being Canadian, thus polite, you say nothing. Yet everyone in line has by now detected the very same thing. Your eyes cut back and forth, glancing at your neighbours, trying to determine the dealer, while they in turn do the same. The line shuffles forward, and the perpetrator is rarely caught.

Now that Thanksgiving has come and gone, with all the consumption of turkey, vegetables a-plenty, and various other foods you may not otherwise ordinarily consume, the by-products of these meals may come back to haunt you, as in the situation mentioned above. Or your friends and loved ones, and even your co-workers.

Why is turkey so dangerous? Well, in my case, let’s just say that turkey is to Bill what beans are to most other people. I know this is a touchy subject, and not everyone is pleased to read it. It is, however, a reality, and may explain some things to those of you who know me personally.

The proximity of Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years to each other on the calendar guarantees that turkey is on the menu often. Throw in some Christmas staff parties, leftovers, and mayhem ensues. At least in my house it does.

I don’t know what it is exactly about turkey that makes it so volatile. I’m not sure just how many others suffer this condition. Perhaps I’m unique, although my nostrils tell me otherwise, given that I work in many commercial establishments. I’m of the notion that turkey is more efficient at gas production than Shell or Esso.

When we have a family dinner where turkey rears its ugly head, I get all kinds of warnings and death threats from my family, most particularly from Anne. Her body language and facial language skills go into hyper-drive… which means my ignoring skills and obliviousness need to be finely honed to enable myself to survive these ordeals. I also try to sneak in some beans too, but this is a very hard thing to get past the censors. I find it somewhat ironic that, recently, when the Franco kids showed up at the door for ‘Une canne ca depanne’ this year, my bean collection took a major hit. These cans just disappeared.

You see, I love beans, and always try to sneak a can into the grocery cart when Anne isn’t looking. They go into the can cupboard with my other 15 cans of beans. I don’t often get to eat them, mostly because of the implicit threats I receive, but I find it comforting nonetheless that I COULD eat them, savoury as they are. Oh, when we run out of bubble bath, out come the beans so that I can pretend we have a Jacuzzi….but other than that I have to wait until Anne is safely out of town for a conference. The kids complain, but I pay the bills, so that’s that.

All this to say that this time of year can lead to all kinds of unpleasant surprises. Which makes me happy to say that one of my friends at the Tribune, Isabel, sent me a link to an advertisement for a new product available….namely ‘Fart-filtering underwear’ called Shreddies, by a British company, containing a charcoal pad which can quell quite the backfire, apparently. And so, for the first time in a long time, I know what I’m getting for Christmas!

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