Eye Claudius

Posted: August 16, 2013 in Family, Humour
Tags: , , , , , , ,

eyes

I’m at a point now where I have to wear my glasses pretty much all the time in order to see correctly. Oh, I can see not too bad if I need to get around a bit, but for any kind of details, I need to see. I guess it’s one of those accepted ‘side effects’ of getting older.

Proof of this was this morning, while checking out the news on CNN.com, I noticed a headline that said something to the effect that Don Taylor’s jewels were on display’. Quickly putting on my glasses, this actually read ‘Elizabeth Taylor’s Jewels on display’. For a while I thought that CNN was getting dirty on me.

I’m not saying I’m like that lady on television that allows a racoon into the house because she thinks it’s her cat, but, since we have three Shih-Tzu dogs, I best not take any chances. Just in case. The problem with them now is that their hair needs a trim, and if I’m not careful when I pick them up, I might be getting a face full of dog butt instead of face. At least my nose is still functioning.

Facebook is a whole new experience when I don’t wear my glasses. I’ve thought recently someone was ‘Glad to wear black feathers’, when they were actually ‘Glad you’re back, Heather’. I thought someone was feeling they had the ‘clap’ when they were just feeling like ‘crap’ (either way, at least something was wrong with them, thank God!) Couple all this with my dyslexia, and we’re talking mass confusion here.

I went to shake hands with a guy at the post office who was evidently waving at me….turns out that SHE was just straightening her hair out. Ooops. Well, at least I made a new friend, albeit a confused one. When I realized it wasn’t who I thought it was, I did the old ‘Hey, how’s what-his-face doing?’, to which she filled me all in on Darryl’s vasectomy and the resulting infection. Poor Darryl, whoever he is. Cheer up, buddy, it’ll improve. You’ll see.

Driving has become hazardous, especially at night. If I don’t wear my glasses, I end up turning where there’s no street. I’d like to take this time to apologize to the lady down the street who USED TO have a nice hedge in front of her house. The cheque, as they say, is in the mail.

It’s even made me paranoid that my eyesight is failing quickly. The other night, while lying on my side, I closed one eye, then the other, and realised that with my left eye, I could see two lights on my air conditioner, but could only see one with my left. I couldn’t figure out if I was seeing double with one, or not enough with the other. I lay awake, in a cold sweat, as I imagined myself composing letters to my children in braille. I imagined my wife having to help me dress in the morning, and messing with me by making me wear wacky colour combinations to get me back for writing about her occasionally. Oh, the horror!! And then, I finally realised that it was an optical illusion, and that when I closed my left eye, the dresser blocked out one of the lights. I had to cry myself back to sleep.

One good side-effect to all this is that everyone is looking WAY younger to me, as their wrinkles, if any, are now gone. Good for you, everyone. Keep up the good work. Those vitamins are obviously working!

I’m afraid that, if this continues, I’m going to start looking like ‘Bubbles’ of Trailer Park Boys fame. Lord help us all if it does. Just stay off the sidewalks, and we’ll all be fine.

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