The Accidental Cleanup

Posted: April 13, 2013 in Family, Humour
Tags: , , , , , , ,


There are things in life which can drive you over the edge. We all have a weak point or two. Or three. For me, I have what you might call a ‘conflict of interests’, so to speak. I like everything in its place, nice and neat and tidy….but I don’t like actually making it so. You can see how this might lead to some interesting situations.

Case in point. You know when you start to do a cleanup, and about 1/3 of the way through, you begin to regret starting? Well, I was home after racking up my knee, but I have a hard time just sitting still. I surfed. I read the paper. I watched as much as I could handle of ‘The View’ (about 10 minutes). I rubbed my dogs. I took a bath. There went the first hour. So, after emptying the dishwasher, I decided I’d look at a couple of cupboards, maybe clear them a bit as we are preparing to renovate the kitchen.

Big mistake.

Anne and I have been together for over twenty years. And in that time, we have come to accumulate various items that perhaps we should have jettisoned. Yearly, of course, we do a purge or two to pare these things down. But the kitchen has become a sort of repository for our flotsam and jetsam. There are little nooks and crannies I wasn’t even aware of when I took out the first garbage bag, figuring I’d put in an hour and give it a good go.

We aren’t hoarders. I don’t want to give you that impression. But one of us, whom I won’t mention, although it’s not me, tends to hold on to things best put in the garbage. Like empty pill containers, empty boxes of medications, half-used Q-Tips (to be fair, the other half was still good). Things like cans of peas from 1998, used razors, even an un-opened pack of socks, were in the first cupboard I started with. I won`t give you a full list, because even I can`t believe it, and I was there!

What started off as a little adventure became an Odyssey. I`m actually typing this between garbage bags in order to maintain what sanity I still have. My goodness. As I look at the counter, there is literally every vitamin known to man in some form or another waiting to somehow be placed back. I`m thinking of opening a temporary health store or pharmacy to have a clear out sale.

Of course, I know that I have contributed my fair share to this mess. I have found cd`s without cases, empty cases without cd`s, old cassettes, prescriptions with my name on it from 2001 and on, cat treats (we haven`t had a cat for 18 years, and my dogs didn`t want them), refrigeration parts, hats, and about $500 in coins of every denomination. I`m going to pause here, and get back to the cleanup. I`ll be back when I need another break…..

…..okay, it`s 30 minutes later, and I`m onto something. I think I`ve discovered a new branch of physics. Somehow, 8 bags of garbage later, I have less room in my cupboards than when I started. It’s impossible, yet it is also true. I`m actually in a panic right now because one of the causes of this phenomenon is on her way home from work! AHHHHHHHH!! If only I could summon Batman right now…I`d even take Harry Potter, but he`s probably unavailable due to the fact the he ISN`T REAL!!!

As there is no way I can finish this by myself, and the kids and dogs are staying as far away from me as possible, I have no choice but to resort to emergency tactics when Anne walks in. As she sees the mess, me sitting on the floor, crying, I tell her ‘we’ve had a break in, and they took all our junk and put it in garbage bags!!’

By the look on her face, I don’t think she’s buying it.


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