Bill's Musings

As I ‘progress with age’, I am starting to notice some disturbing trends in my life that I never thought would manifest themselves. One of them is that I’ve become more choosey about the foods I eat. I don’t mean that I ask for a little less cheese on my poutine (that would be crazy), but I’m reading labels more, and wanting junk food less.
Last week, I talked myself into buying some Fiber One bars, after seeing the commercials. They looked good for you. The ad, as I remembered it, said that one bar contained 20% of your necessary fiber intake. Now, to a man’s logic, this means that if you eat five of them, your daily fiber intake is out of the way. So, over the course of a couple of hours, I polished off a whole box of 5. Well, each bar actually contains 35% of your daily fiber intake. So, I had just ingested 175% of a normal fiber intake. Also, the 35% contained in one bar was probably 3 times more fiber than I normally ingested.
Here’s a log (pardon the pun) of my activities for the week:
Monday morning: wow, these new bars are very tasty. They’re quite filling, too. I think fiber is my new friend, like in the commercial! What a world we live in when we have access to such wonderful foods to help us along, to ‘keep the mail moving’, so to speak. Awesome!!!
Monday afternoon: well, the mail is definitely being delivered. Who knew I had so many packages? Good old fiber, my new friend. I think I’ve lost 10 pounds already!! A new trend has begun!! Woot woot!!
Tuesday morning: It’s a good thing the bathroom is so close to our bedroom, because apparently the post office doesn’t close when you make a friend of fiber. I’m a little tired, yet somehow invigorated. I guess I’ll have some more fiber One bars to continue this wonderful journey.
Tuesday afternoon: I think my co-workers are considering asking for danger pay. This fiber thing was great, but now, I’m ‘a little’ gassy. In fact, I’m bloating. I have to go home to find my ‘fat pants’ so I can keep on trucking. (guys…..fat pants have been mentioned to me by several ladies who happen to be getting their visit from Mother Nature, and so, fat pants are there for you when you bloat. I feel at one now with these ladies and finally understand their pain….good show ladies!! Word!)
Tuesday night: you know how many dogs have a sense of smell that is 10,000 timesmore acute than a human’s? My poor dogs. They are looking at me like I should either go away, or at least visit the doctor. John, who as a mostly-deaf Shih-tzu spends much of his time in a semi-confused daze, was not at all confused by this. He blatantly is lobbying for my dismissal from the house.
Wednesday morning: Anne and the kids enjoyed their night in the Comfort Inn. I have had to ask for a quote to have the bedroom wall papered, but my contractor says he won’t come into the house for a few days. My Fiber One bars are neatly sitting in the garbage bin, and the washing machine is running full-bore. My dogs have given up, and refuse to come indoors, so I have fed them on the porch. I am allowed to eat ice, crackers, minute rice, and small strips of ham. And so, the struggle continues….
Obviously, I should have informed myself beforehand about the foibles of too much fiber. Things have gone back to normal at home, thankfully, and my fat pants are securely back in the closet for the next stupid experiment in eating. My wife is a trooper, and has mostly forgiven me, as have my kids. My dogs are still a little peeved, however, but with treats, I’ll win them back. And hey! New wallpaper soon! It’s win-win, in my eyes.
And by the way, fiber is no longer my friend. Oh, no. Let’s just say we’re frenemies.