Bill's Musings

Some of my favourite writing ideas are from old, embarrassing memories, and sometimes from more recent embarrassing memories.

Case in point: I was with my wife at the drugstore recently, and she was looking for some product or other. It required some guidance from one of the pharmacists, and being a man, I wasn’t as keenly interested as she was. So, I started loosely browsing through the aisles. If you are a man reading this, you will totally get this part. When we ‘browse’, our brain often unhooks itself, unless we are at Future Shop or Canadian Tire. So, here I was, un-focused, pretending to read boxes on the shelf, even taking some off the shelf to look at the labels, while in reality, my eyes were seeing Paul Henderson score the winning goal in 1972. I was awoken from my reverie by a little, polite, female voice saying, ‘May I help you?’.

In that brief moment, like a spaceship being drawn through a wormhole in space, my conscious self was brought back to reality. And in my hands, in big bold letters, the word ‘Trojan’ appeared.

Whoops.

Now, I have to extricate myself from this situation. This is where a man’s brain truly becomes useful. You see, by my age, most men have had ample experience in removing their feet from their mouths. It’s a skill which has been developed throughout our evolution. And this was just such an occasion.

Before I get into what I used as an excuse, allow me to provide you with historical anecdotes that perhaps will shed light on the evolutionary process which has led to just such a skill. Imagine the case of Ugg and Oog. These two cavemen were squatting, just minding their own business, when Ugg’s wife, Prescilla, asked him what he was going to do about dinner. Ugg and Oog shared a look which men worldwide have come to know as the ‘uh-oh, we forgot about that’ look. Lost for words, as cavemen often were, Ugg had to think fast. Unfortunately, Ugg wasn’t one to think fast….slow was even considered fast for him. Then, a bolt of lightning struck!!! Literally. It hit a deer which had been hiding in the bushes, trying its best to sneak by Ugg and Oog, thus enabling it to roam the plains yet another day. Sadly, its time had come, and like the great ‘circle of life’, its goose was cooked. So to speak.

I’ve taken the liberty to translate what was next said. It is important to note that this moment is pivotal in our history as one of the first examples of ‘quick thinking’ on the part of men. Oog, having been shocked out of his stupor by the lightning, and subsequent meal essentially handed to them, looked Prescilla straight in the eye (she had lost her left one when Ugg mistook her for a mountain lion hiding in the same bush the year before), hitched up his bear-skin pants, and said ‘ Umbagah!’ which, when translated, means ‘You see, we were waiting for the sky-fire to do its job while we lulled the deer into a state of hypnosis, using our superior minds to guide the deer to exactly the spot we wanted!’. This is truly a momentous occasion. Not only had he come up with a great excuse, but also discovered barbeque!!

Leonardo da Vinci, who was a great thinker, was painting the Mona Lisa, and had to think fast when his girlfriend wanted to know what old Mona was smiling about. He hardly wanted to tell her the truth, which may have led to Leonardo becoming a eunuch. So, he told her that she was laughing at a joke he had made about a leprechaun and the Archbishop of Canterbury (he also quickly toned down her smile, thus creating a mystery that to this day has not been fully answered…until now)

Which leads us to my precarious situation. Standing there, holding a box that I had no business holding, I had to think quickly. I hitched up my pants, looked her straight in the eyes (she had two), and politely asked her if she had these in extra-large.

She didn’t buy it. But she did laugh, which counts for something, I guess.