No text please, we’re British!

Posted: March 11, 2013 in Humour



I was sitting in a restaurant the other day, minding my own business, just waiting for my order, when an elderly gentleman wandered in. He had a cane in one hand, was dragging an oxygen pack with the other, and was shaking ever so slightly. He meandered through the tables and chairs, gingerly searching out the best place for him to sit.

After finding an ideal spot, he slowly lowered himself into the booth, and slid all the way in, almost as if he was cocooning himself. Several of the other customers had followed his progress, and some of us smiled at each other at how sweet this man looked, at how frail and innocent he looked, wanting to go and maybe hug him or buy him a cup of tea. It was a nice moment.

Then he pulled out his Blackberry and started texting and reading his e-mail.


It’s safe to say that several of us were in a mild state of shock. It was kind of like watching an old black and white movie from the 30’s, and the character on screen suddenly opens a laptop and starts surfing the internet. I guess I just didn’t think that this guy was able to use a phone without a rotary dial. When you get down to it, we were being ‘age-ists’, which, upon reflection, was a little unfair.

All this texting! I have customers now who text me now instead of calling me, so they save time. If only they knew. Reading these texts can be a little difficult if you don’t know the lingo. One sent me this text: ‘? Do u no y AOAS my wlkn clr is so hot?’ After puzzling over it for about 20 minutes, I found out it actually said, ‘Question for you. Do you know why all of a sudden my walk-in cooler is so hot?’ I’m pretty certain it would have taken less time to actually ask me this over the phone.

I have talked (actually talked) to several people who are in similar situations, and so I have decided to offer a course next year called ‘How to text, when to text, and just WTF those texts mean.’ It’s a sure-fire winner. Bring your Blackberries, your i-Phones, your flip-phones. We’ll teach you how to confound any of your friends, family, or peers! Be the envy of your co-workers!! Learn how to send messages in 140 characters or less!!

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to send stuff like’WTG 4 a\%/ (want to go for a drink?), ‘ctn pos. Cu l8r?’ (I can’t talk now. My parents are looking over my shoulder. See you later?). Or even ‘wdusmb, ldy?’ (why don’t you scratch my back, lady?) Actually, I made that last one up, in case Anne reads this article.

I really wanted to offer a course on ‘sexting’ as well, but that idea was soundly shot down by Anne. Apparently I’m a ‘professional’ who has a ‘reputation’ to uphold. As if!! With my buff body, one that makes the likes of Fabio and Drew Carey seethe will jealousy, we all know that this is where the big bucks are. Sexting is so ‘NOW’.

I’ll keep working on her. There’s still hope for all you ladies out there.

Until then, we’ll just have to text each other the old fashioned way. Ttyl 🙂 !!

  1. macintosh98 says:

    An interesting perspective!

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